To be continued, were the last words of my first blog about my breast cancer diagnosis. That was in September last year. I honestly tried to fulfil this promise and, two or three times, I made a start with writing the next part of my story, but I kept getting stuck and putting it off. I had slipped into a more difficult phase. A darker phase - with dark thoughts and dark feelings that suddenly appeared out of nowhere. It was as if I had fallen into a hole and couldn't find my way out. Many tears and much despair later, the clouds suddenly lifted and I was my brave little self again - for a week or so. And then it started all over again. I was definitely under the spell of my anti-hormone tablets…
These phases are just as much a part of the journey I'm on as the ‘brave’ phases, I see that now. I now understand what triggered them (apart from the medication) — and, somehow, I’ve discovered how I can handle them. Just before Christmas, all the signs of another ‘hole’ were there - the trigger (the health insurance company rejected my application to rejoin the supplementary insurance, but more about that later) - an increase in darker thoughts, such as "Is what I'm doing enough? Can I really stop this cancer by taking a few food supplements, eating masses of broccoli, and meditating? Will that do any good at all? And why does my soul remain silent in all of this? And, while I’m at it, what the heck is going on with the world?" You know what I mean.
So I started to work on all kinds of things. Was my life really almost over before I could achieve my goals – had I achieved any goals at all? Did I even know what they were? Everything was looked at and assessed (once again) - my relationship with my husband, with my children, my stepchildren, my hypnosis practice, which made me very happy, but also caused constant worries because I just couldn't make it 'shine'. My siblings. My relationships with friends. Unresolved disappointments. Did I really have so many unresolved disappointments? Emotional scars. Childhood conditioning. Ancestral themes. You name it.
Of course, we are all confronted with our issues sooner or later, that's part of life. But for me, it had suddenly become a little more urgent. Please don't get me wrong. I have been working with the spiritual world for over 30 years. Mediumship, astrology, Reiki, Aura Soma, meditations, yoga, Dr Joe, Gregg and Bruce (who doesn't know them?) who taught me so much about the quantum field and vibrations. Even though we are only at the beginning when it comes to quantum healing, the idea that it could one day be a scientifically proven method of healing is truly exciting. I had also discovered hypnosis about 10 years ago, a field in which I could really make a contribution, as, in my opinion, it brings body, mind and soul together. And I’d like to say here that I’ve met some truly wonderful people through my hypnosis practice, and I’ve learned something new with every session.
Hypnosis still helps me on a regular basis. Now, it has evolved into a mixture of self-hypnosis, prayer and meditation. Every day. Sometimes continuously. And I enjoy the support of so many wonderful people, who pray and light candles and phone and visit me and put lovely surprises in my letterbox. I’ve been able to transform or let go of some of my 'burdens'. For other themes, those I've been working on for sooooo long, I decided to just stop fighting and accept them as part of who I am. It’s quite surprising to feel how much inner peace this creates. In fact, I generally stopped worrying about most things. I believe and trust that, if the universe wants me to continue working with hypnosis, then the universe will also give me the means to do so. I also believe that ALL the factors I mention above, and all the people who support me, create an environment in which healing can take place.
So what happened with the health insurance?
"The health well-being of our customers is what drives us – whatever life has in store for them. With passion and competence, we stand by their side when it comes to staying healthy, getting healthy or living with an illness." This is a translation of what is stated in the mission statement of my health insurance.
Hmm. Once again, please don't get me wrong, I realise what my health insurance has done for me since July last year, and will continue to do, and I'm grateful for it. But I’ve also paid faithfully every month for over 30 years for this – and have only claimed very few benefits.
What I don't understand, however, is that the health insurance company without any discussion authorised the medication Kisqali for me, which costs 3079.15 CHF for one month (and which I will not take, for reasons explained in my first blog). The costs for my anthroposophical treatments, which are milder, a lot cheaper, and also produce good results (that are unfortunately not as tried and tested, and I wonder why that is?), are only a fraction of the cost of Kisqali. But they allow me to work on my health at all levels with confidence and without any destructive side effects.
At the beginning of November last year, I therefore asked my health insurance company whether I could be taken into the supplementary insurance again from this year onwards. Not a big deal for the health insurance company, in my opinion (after all, they save CHF 3079.15 a month and the cost of the medication that keeps the side effects in check) - but for me, in the truest sense of the word, a lifesaver. Unfortunately, suddenly it's all about the principle - the 'contractual agreements', which cannot possibly be changed. As it turns out, I will not really be able to count on the passion and competence of my health insurance company at my side, at least not for the things that matter to me…
The next important dates are in February. Then I'll have a series of scans and tests, and I'll be able to see for myself which way things are going. I’m ready, whatever the outcome. But do keep your fingers crossed with me...
Update to follow soon. And it’s an uplifting one!